sunnuntai 14. lokakuuta 2018

Suuri fine dine-huijaus

Olen tässä tullut siihen tulokseen, että tässä ns. Fine diningissa täytyy olla kyse samasta ilmiöstä, kuin Keisarin uusissa vaatteissa. Joku alansa huippu vaikkapa keksii, että jäätelö on parempaa tarjoiltuna wc-pytyn kannelta ja loput nyökkäävät ja alkavat pilkkoa pytystä tarvittavia osia. Onneksi takavuosien parhaan tv-sarjan, Katastrofikokin osallistujat tuntuivat olevan kanssani samoilla linjoilla ja rohkeasti kritisoivat huippukokkien järjettömiä vaatimuksia.

Tässä muutama esimerkki hullutuksesta:

Kananmuna: Keitetyn kananmunan pitäisi olla sisältä valuva eli raaka, jotta se on mukamas parempaa. No jos se kerta niin on parempaa, niin kannattaako tuota keittää ollenkaan, vaan senkus nautiskelee raakana koko mämmin.

Korianteri: Sitä täytyy nykyään kuulemma olla ihan kaikkialla, ihan joka ruuassa. Paitsi, ettei tarvi. Olen elävä esimerkki siitä, että elämässä voi syödä erilaisia ruokia yli 30 vuotta ilman, että tietää yhtään mikä on korianteri.

Lihan paistokypsyys: Kypsäksi toivottu pihvi on niin maalaista. Lihan kuuluu olla sisältä punaista eli veristä. Pintaa saa vähän paistaa, mutta vähän, koska muuten tulee sitkeää. Herra varjele, sitkeää tai ei, niin raaka on raaka. Lihan kuuluu olla ennemmin kypsää, kuin rakaa, vähän samaan tapaan, kuin sen soisi olevan ennemmin kuollutta kuin elävää. 

Osterit: Aivan hillitön vaiva jostain pikkurillinkynnen kokoisesta kikkareesta, joka on sitten niin hirmuisen hyvää. Luulen, että tämä erinomaisuus perustuu siihen, ettei kukaan ole saanut riittävän suurta palaa tietääkseen miltä se oikeasti maistuu.

Rucola: No rucolaa nyt täytyy olla. Sitä pitää olla salaatissa, pastassa, pizzassa ja kohta varmaan kaljassakin. Kaikki sivistyneet ihmiset pitävät rucolasta. Ps. Rucola maistuu kusisuihkun alle jääneelle voikukalle. 

Annoskoko: Jos ruuan tehtävä on poistaa nälkä ja antaa energiaa, niin enemmän on parempi. Jos ihmisen vatsalaukku on noin 1,5 litraa, niin kahden sokeripalan kokoinen palsternakka vain herättää nukkuvan karhun. 

Olen ylpeästi makaronilaatikko-Maija, vaikka kulinaristit nakkelisivat pikkelöidyllä (?) koirankakalla.  


10 kommenttia:

  1. Pystyin kuvittelemaan varsinkin kananmuna- ja pihvikommentit suoraan paremman puoliskoni suuhun. Hän vetelee kaiken ylikypsänä, mielellään korventuneena. Itse mehustelen puoliraakoja pihvejä veri barbaarimaisesti suupielestä valuen. Sitä näkyä katsoessa ei tule ensimmäisenä mieleen adjektiivi "fine".

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    Vastaukset
    1. Mulla tulee puoliraakaa pihviä syödessä väkisin mieleen, että eikö tuo ois sitten ollut sama haukata Mansikkia suoraan kyljestä 🤔 Ei ehkä mikään ruokahalua nostattavin mielikuva 😅

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